Thoughts of Grief & Joy

March 22, 2020

Today, we find ourselves smack-dab in the middle of history-in-the-making on planet earth. A deadly virus has swept the world and caused every human to react and change behavior – every nation, every tribe, every people, every person.

Regardless of the opinions, the actions, the hysteria, and the calm, the entire world is practically united in fighting a single cause: destroying a silent enemy known as COVID-19 or the Coronavirus.

And this is a world, albeit a cosmos, that “For God so Loved…”

Today on planet earth, over 7.5 Billion+ people – ALL created by a loving God, whom He has pursued with sacrificial love – have now submitted to outside elements and governance to protect and sustain their immediate lives.

May this be a time where the reality of God’s magnificent and compelling love pours forth from the throne of Heaven and onto the hearts of ALL. May His infinite love drown out the lies of the enemy and his demonic death-causing forces. It’s “Abba Father” to the rescue – and He’s coming for ALL!

– selah

Yet, some will perish today. Some will disappear for a variety of reasons, causes, or tragedies, which may or may not, be related to the pandemic of 2020.

The righteous perish,

and no one takes it to heart;

the devout are taken away,

and no one understands

that the righteous are taken away

to be spared from evil.

Those who walk uprightly

enter into peace;

they find rest as they lie in death.

Isaiah 57:1-2

I remember reading this verse, really reading it, for the first time on March 23, 2013. It was sent to me by a dear friend and father who had lost and buried his son 9 years before Matthew passed. Prior to losing Matthew to Heaven’s realm, I would not have noticed this verse.

I also recall one of my first prayers to God in the immediate foray of Matthew’s unexpected death was, “God, what is the truth in this? I want to know the truth of what just happened!”

A portion of His answers were provided immediately by Solomon who said,

“… in much wisdom there is much grief, and increasing knowledge

results in increasing pain… for there is wisdom in the house of mourning.”

The truths that returned to me were discovering wisdom into the eternal ways of the Lord God of Eternity (i.e., Yahweh), and that in great tragedies, great wisdom is manifest and can come forth.

It’s been 7 years since our precious Matthew passed to eternity in Heaven. Seven years of reflecting on tragedy, loss, sorrow, and wisdom.

“no one understands

that the righteous are taken away

to be spared from evil”

Could it be that our Abba Father is so good that He even spares some of the most vulnerable ones from evil?

Could it be that God’s eternal purposes are ALL good and ALL loving?

Could it be that our most tragic losses on earth are eternity’s greatest gains?

Wisdom has taught us that the answers to these difficult and troubling questions are a profound and blood-stained “YES!” and the affidavit has been signed with nail-pierced hands and simply reads, “Love, Jesus”.

Matthew, we love you, we miss you terribly “in the flesh” on earth, but we know the truth. We know wisdom.

We know you are precisely where our Abba Father wants you to be and enveloped in His love.

We absolutely love to interact with you every day as you play with us in the supernatural ways you’re allowed.

We will see you soon enough and talk forever about these times on earth, and in Heaven.

Faithfully and lovingly,

Papa and the fam

Heaven Comes to Earth, Everyday

November 2018 

“‘Our Father, dwelling in the heavenly realms,

may the glory of Your Name

be the center on which our lives turn.

Manifest Your kingdom realm,

and cause Your every purpose to be fulfilled on earth,

just as it is fulfilled in heaven.”

-Jesus, Matthew 6:9-10

“On earth as it is in heaven.” Jesus asked us to “pray this way” as the first part of what is referred to as “The Lord’s Prayer”. But, this prayer wasn’t for Him, it was for us. It’s probably better described as “The Disciple’s Prayer” for Jesus asked His disciples, and all those who would follow Him, to “pray in this manner” and fundamentally command Heaven to come to Earth. I’ve heard it taught that in the original Greek language that the charge Jesus actually gave us is:

“Kingdom of God come!”

Ever since my DNA, yes our beloved Matthew, entered into heaven’s realms, I have spent the majority of my waking hours thinking about heaven, Matthew’s life there, and his communications to earth. When we worship the King of kings, we enter Heaven’s realms and join in the chorus of His angels and saints. When we pray “The Lord’s Prayer” we command heaven to come to earth and we interact with the will of God. In Christ, we are citizens of heaven and spiritually seated where Jesus is, and at the right hand of His Father. It’s all quite mind-blowing if one visualizes the reality of the heavenly realms.

These past few weeks I have been inundated with multiple “kisses from Matthew” as his famous football jersey number, 41 (#MJW41), has been appearing in unusually large quantities with me and many of his friends on earth. Just a few examples…

On November 1, 2018 I rolled up my eyelids in the morning and noticed the clock greeting me at 6:41 AM ;-). I smiled and sighed, “good morning Matthew, good morning Lord.” I laid docile for a bit to see if my body would go back to sleep. After a few moments of general morning thoughts, I rolled over, put in my earpiece and started listening to the word of God spoken “live” to me every day through the daily audio bible (DAB 👏🏻) app. I listened to God speak of the highly creative visions of Ezekiel. I listened to His beautiful exhortation from Hebrews chapter 4, His Psalm for the day, and a Proverb drenched in His wisdom.

After the Scripture readings I listen to the DAB prayer line, which involves over 20,000 folks on a daily basis. Over the past few days there have been many prayers and encouragements offered to “Asia from Munich” about her recent miscarriage and the loss of a child she was never able to meet, on earth.  Prayer after prayer of women and men, through choked and sincere voices, “weeping with those who weep” for “Asia from Munich.”

Over five years ago Asia requested the DAB prayer community lift her and her husband up for their first-born child. God answered these prayers and we all “rejoiced with those who rejoice” and in the celebration of Asia’s first child. A couple of years ago, we joined Asia and her husband in praying for them to conceive a second child. About 4 months ago Asia announced that God had blessed them and created a new life in the womb of her 45-year old soul. We rejoiced with Asia and her husband as God had answered the prayers of the DAB saints.

Two weeks ago, Asia called the prayer line with tears in her quivering voice to inform the community that the baby “no longer had a heart beat.” She wept. Jesus wept. We all wept.

Every day since Asia’s tragic news the prayer line has been filled with tear-filled words and prayers of encouragement. After listening and joining in with the many prayers of comfort for Asia, the last prayer on the DAB prayer line today was not really a prayer or request but a prophetic utterance offered up by “Candice from Oregon”, told from the beautiful perspective of Asia’s heaven-bound child:

“I love you mom. You held me in your womb for just a little while, and then, I was born straight into heaven’s arms. I didn’t get to open my eyes and see your face. But, I saw His. I opened my eyes for the very first time and looked straight into the face of love Himself. The love that made me. Imagine that mom. Imagine that. I know you are sad. Really, really sad. And that’s okay. You’re sad because you miss me. You wanted me. I feel it. I feel the full force of your love for me. Thank you for loving me that much. I miss you too. And I want you to know something. I can see it. I can see our future together and it’s so beautiful that I can hardly stand it sometimes. It would blow your mind mom. The places we’ll go together. The things we’ll make. You’ll compose the music and I’ll dance. I’ll dream up stories and you’ll write them down. And it will be all for Him – the One who gave us each other and everything else. It will be such a blast. I can’t wait. Until then I’m here in the great cloud of witnesses cheering you on. Can you see my face? Yes, I’m the one with your eyes and the really big grin. I know you’ll be okay. You’ll be better than okay. Just wait. You’ll see. I love you mom.”

As I listened to these heart-felt words, I felt warm tears streaming down my cheeks and falling on my pillow. I became a bit lost on earth as my soul ascended to heaven for a miraculous perspective and entered Heaven’s realm. Oh, how well I know this conversation with heaven! I have seen Matthew’s face countless times from the prism of heaven’s glory for the Lord has given me dreams and images of him. Jesus has even arranged clouds in the Colorado sky to precisely form MJW’s likeness with “a really big grin.”

This is how the Father loves us fathers, mothers, sons, and daughters who lose children, parents, and loved ones on earth. For the Father lost His Son and knows well the sting and pain of death.  He also knows the healing, the power, and the glory of resurrection life. In Jesus, death is never final. The grave has been robbed. The sting is gone. He has risen!

As I soaked in these thoughts of heaven, on earth, I wiped my tears, and I rolled over to check the clock. And thought, “thank You Papa for another glorious encounter with Matthew.” And thank You Jesus for making it ALL possible through Your work on the cross.

Oh yes, and the time on the clock? No surprise. 7:41 AM. 😉

The night before last, and as I was going to sleep, I looked at the picture of Matthew on my phone and thought, “I don’t want to ever forget you.” This thought ran through my mind as the intensity of the last few months has subsided, and it had seemed like awhile since I contemplated Matthew’s beautiful picture on my phone. From before the March 22 Memorial, even late February, through the Colorado Memorial and to mid-July, it seems memories, thoughts, and pictures of Matthew dominate my hours and days. However, the last few days and weeks have been a bit more of a routine with thoughts about the hopeful present and the glorious future.

My thoughts and memories of Matthew are primarily full of joy and active dialogue with him as his presence is felt with every “41” I see, every visit with Sylvie (Matthew’s dog), every cloud in the sky, every aspect of worship, and every thought of God’s salvation and His kingdom – for it is coming to earth as it in heaven.

Living in the Mundane?

Yesterday, I was doing yard work as I do on most Saturday mornings in the summer. I enjoy driving my John Deere lawn mower in an attempt to cut and carve the most geometric lines ever known by humanity on God’s green earth. My habit is to drown out the noise of my power tools with earbuds that play inspiring messages or worship music as I ride and work.

I had finished the lawn, the edging, and was now blowing the grass clippings back into order and off the driveway and back deck of our home. I had completed listening to a 45-minute message from Bethel pastor Kris Vallotton (amazing as usual) and spoke to Siri and asked “her” to play Jesus Culture on my iPhone (btw, I have over 700 songs and 50 playlists to choose from). She did of course choose the right selection and the melodic tones began replacing the noise of the leaf blower with love, power, and worship. I love Siri.

I blew the necessary rubbish off the back deck and went toward the back yard to blow out the basement walkout area and its stone steps. With my leaf blower blowing and the power of worship penetrating my heart (thank You Lord for Jesus Culture), I casually approached the area I found Matthew’s body over 3 years ago. I visit the area routinely; enter into the memory of it all, and simply allow the blood of Jesus to wash over me, over Matthew, over the place, and over the memories. I have chosen to confront the pain and deal with all of it as directly as I know how, and do it through the blood of Christ. I choose not to avoid or move into denial. Jesus wins in all of it.

As I stepped down into the walkout area, blowing rubbish off the rock pavements, my music surprisingly stopped all by itself. My first thoughts were “this has never happened before”, and “Siri, what’s going on?” I checked my iPhone connection, my volume and stop/start status, and still nothing happened. Silence. Droning silence in my earbuds but with the hum of my leaf blower in the background. In fact it was awkward silence, as I was in a confrontational location and I had no worship music running through my ears. I felt a little defensive and could practically sense demonic forces of discouragement circling about my soul.

As I stepped on the exact spot of Matthew’s area, the seemingly eternal silence was broken with a familiar set of piano keys that began to play through my earbuds, into my ears, and into my soul. The soothing notes were from “Matthew’s Song”, written and played by Katie Tate. My mouth dropped. My heart stopped. I was shocked and propelled again into saying out loud for the entire spiritual realm to hear, “Matthew is alive!”

Reflecting on the moment again, the sequence of events and the arrangement of my iPhone’s musical playlist made this occurrence an “impossible” musical or technical event. I wonder if Siri is a Christian?

Supernatural Meets the Natural

I stumbled out of the walkout area and looked back at the house with reverence and awe. I now know a little more of what Moses must have felt as he observed a bush on fire, yet it was not consumed. I called for Sonya, who was on the back deck, turned my blower off, and told her “I just had an encounter with Matthew!” And then I told her what had just happened.

“To you it has been granted to know the mysteries of the kingdom of God…” – Jesus (Luke 8:10)

These encounters with God, who makes and reveals all mysteries, confirm His love, His salvation, His kingdom, and His power for us. May we choose to embrace our loving Heavenly Father, move in the Holy Spirit, and invite Jesus to be as close as our clothing (“Let the Lord Jesus Christ be as near to you as the clothes you wear.” – Romans 13:14, CEV). I choose You, Jesus.

He is good. He is love. He is faithful. And He is true. Amen.

Ps – I am soooo thankful for Katie Tate and her gift to us, and to so many, of “Matthew’s Song.” God has big plans for this special young lady as His calling and gifts are irrevocable. Look out kingdom, here comes Katie.

“A Day In The Life of Me”

A recent 24-hour trip to Phoenix (and these were only a fraction of the “41s” that came my way that day, easily over a dozen “41” sightings)

Eighteen years old, today. Wow. What an awesome experience it has been to know you for 18 years. I remember the first time I saw you. I was there when you were born. I remember seeing the doctor moving hurriedly around your precious, tiny, squirming body and unwrapping the umbilical chord from around your neck – four times! I should have realized more fully then, even in the womb, that satan had attempted to steal, kill, and destroy your precious life. But God, in all His goodness and sovereignty, allowed you to be born healthy, happy, and powerful.

“Why do you look for the living among the dead?”

– Angels, Luke 24:5

This past year the Lord has spoken to your mom and I and has effectively implanted words from His throne of heaven and into our hearts, “He is risen!” We miss you so much on earth, but as I wrote last year to you, it seems you are so close to us and so present in our lives. Thank you for doing everything in your bizarre atmosphere to reach us and communicate with us. The Lord is loving us with endless miraculous moments: countless “41s”, visions, words, dreams, and testimonies of people impacted by you, and for the King and His kingdom. I must admit, I often feel like a playful child in the kingdom of heaven and surprised with heavenly moments daily.

“And so here I am, preaching and writing about things that are way over my head,

the inexhaustible riches and generosity of Christ.”

– Paul, Ephesians 3:38

I remember the first time I saw a “41”, about 3-4 days after you passed from earth to heaven. I was driving in the rain on Pendleton Pike and desperately listening to our beloved brothers and sisters at Hillsong, who so affectively lead me in worship and to the throne of grace. I was stopped at a traffic light and staring obliquely out my tear-stained windshield and somewhat mesmerized by the rhythm of the thumping wipers. I remember thinking how each drop of rain hitting my window reminded me of the tears and drips that had flowed out of my body in the past few days. However, I wasn’t crying at that moment, until my eyes focused beyond my blurry windshield to the white commercial van stopped at the light in front of me. And there it was… a three-inch tall, black lettered, “41” staring back at me on a large white canvas of the van’s rear door. Honestly, it startled me and caused me to sit back and ponder. My mind was flooded with you and the power of those simple little numbers representing so much of who you are: light-bearer, warrior, defender, fighter, lover, comedian, cornerback for the Lions, Coach Baker, your family, your friends – all memories associated with Matthew John Waters were now being powerfully but simply represent with the number of “41”.

And here they went again, my tear floodgates broke and I could hardly drive as the external raindrops coincided with the ones on my cheeks. Focusing became a challenge as the traffic began its movement. Simultaneously, my ears were filled with the worship of the Risen Lamb and a glorious sound was resounding through my ears. I entered heaven it seems and confidently knew you were there with the heavenly hosts singing unbridled and unconstrained praises to the King of kings, King Jesus.

Since that moment 3 years ago, the Lord has flooded many of us who love you with countless “41s”. And every single one is a blessed reminder that Jesus lives! And that you live! Thanks be to Jesus for He has confidently ripped out the thought or concept of death completely out of our vocabulary. It’s no longer a wonder that we see abundant “41s” in the month of March, or at Christmas, or on vacations, or driving to work, or driving to school, or everywhere we go!

When we see a pair of numbers, we pause, and thank Jesus for His mighty work on your behalf. Accordingly, I was quite filled with joy a few weeks ago when I was overwhelmed a bit more than usual on my normal commute to work.

And yes, I was driving once again in the rain. As I was confronted with the teardrops and 41’s splashing on my window (again), my thoughts shot back to that first time in observing those simple little numbers expressing the faithfulness of God in our lives and His remarkable life-giving sacrifice for us. He is such a good, good, Father. I know you know this.

Last month I swallowed hard and spent many hours crafting your “Senior Year Graduation Video”. It was more difficult to do than I expected but I cherished every moment, every photo, every video, and every memory of you. I find it such a holy privilege to re-enter into your life and re-visit the memories we shared together (click on the picture below for a link to view MJW’s video).

I have always wanted to live my life “just by the moments”, and now it seems easier to do this. Every moment I have with the Lord, your mom, your brothers, your sister, your extended family, and your friends – all seem to be moments frozen in time, yet eternal. I so earnestly want the people in my life, and for every second of their lives, to know they have a Heavenly Father who is completely head-over-heels in love with them, and has made a way for eternal and abundant life. I know you know this now and experience it to the full in heaven, as it will be on earth.

On earth the enemy has been damaging and effective in shielding, deflecting, and counterfeiting God’s matchless love. So many believe his lies and mistakenly listen to the enemy’s voice of shame, guilt, and false bondage. When the enemy attacked you on March 22 he took a calculated shot at you, me, and all those around you. Yet, the vacuum in my heart that was created in losing you has been graciously restored with hope, love, and power from the Father’s heart. His praise will always be on my lips.

Hallelujah, holy, holy

God Almighty, the great I AM

Who is worthy, none beside Thee

God Almighty, the great I AM  

– “The Great I Am,” Phillips, Craig & Dean

Eighteen years in knowing you has been a blessing beyond words. I can hardly wait to hold you again, and talk to you face-to-face. I know we have eternity on our side. I know this life on earth will be merely a “blink” in time. I know a new kingdom and a new earth is coming. I know Jesus is King and has won all things and all things are being gathered to exalt Him. I know you are loved by Him. I know He has given me authority to bless and make disciples of the nations in His name. I know you are near. I know the Holy Spirit lives in both of us and makes us one with all believers. I know I love you, and with endless thanks to Jesus, I will be able to physically worship with you again, and “in a little while.”

I love you, Matthew John Waters. Happy birthday.

Papa

My beloved Matthew, greetings and peace in our risen Savior. This is our second birthday celebration on earth with you in heaven. I seem to miss you more than ever but am comforted in the Holy Spirit that all my longings for you will be fulfilled in Christ Jesus. You are cherished, and you are very present in our daily lives. It’s no longer a mystery that you are doing everything the Savior allows for you to communicate to us on earth! Amazing. Supernatural. Hilarious. #41. Selah.

I often feel like a kid again. Through Nate’s amazing childlike faith I see what it means to “become like a child” and boldly enter the kingdom of God. Nate loves you so much and misses you deeply. We talk about you everyday. Today, when I asked him what it would be like to know “17-year old Matthew”, he said, “I think we would fight less.” This means he thinks your love and joy for one another would be greater than ever. You are such a hero in his eyes and he is so proud of you, as we all are. He often says, “Matthew taught me that.” I think you know, but Nate decided to be baptized on your two-year memorial date, March 22, 2015.

Your Memorial this year was incredible and holy, once again. The presence of the Lord was palpable as friends, family, and even a few strangers worshipped the Holy One, along with you and all the saints, elders, angels, and living creatures. Many testimonies were given, then the baptisms began. Nate went first followed by his best friend, Johny Caruana, then his sister Hanna, then 16 more spontaneous baptisms, including Luke Baker, Mikayla, Pepper, Marisah, Marie, and Elizabeth McGuckin to name a few. It was such an amazing evening and one that will never, ever, be forgotten. I am sure you and the angels “were partying like it was 1999”! Selah.

We celebrated your 17th birthday this year in Florida on the same sands you walked four years ago along Ft. Lauderdale and Deerfield Beaches. We even went to our favorite restaurant, Cap’s Place, and had a birthday celebration with our dear friends the Beebe’s (who attended your 13th birthday party at Cap’s), and Nate had your birthday piece of key-lime pie.

It is so awesome, so pure, so joyful to know that you are alive and well in Christ Jesus. I know you know His love even deeper than I do and this causes me great joy. Every day with Him, you, and the family, is abundant life. Every day is better than the day before and the best is always ahead in Christ Jesus. What hope! What power! What victory!

“But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ”

“Death is swallowed up in victory.

O death, where is your victory?

O death, where is your sting?”

I Corinthians 15

I love you my son. As I said at the memorial, I am not saying good-bye, just “see you later.”

In our Father’s unfailing love,

Papa

p.s. – here are some pictures of the baptisms. Enjoy again!

Celebrating Matthew’s 16th Birthday

April 1, 2014

Matthew, my dear and beloved son in whom I am well pleased,

I love you. I miss you. I can hardly wait to see you again. I miss your smile, your countenance, your presence, your arms. I miss your joy.

I am writing this note to you from one of our memorable spots for “Papa-Matthew Day.” It is good to be here on the Knobstone Trail, and think of you, and our precious times together. We came here a few times as a family but only once just you and I. I remember hiking through the woods to this spot (photo above). I loved hanging out with you. I remember seeing so much of myself in you – your humor, your passion, your tastes. I was always so proud of you. I am still proud of you.

I know you are now gazing over me, and your loved ones, as I sense your presence often. The “41’s” are a great “hello I’m here and well!”, and that light thing you did with your sparkling cup on mommy’s 50th birthday was almost too much. You crack me up. God has confirmed in my spirit that we will laugh about all of these occurrences someday, in eternity. He must have given you special grace to do these things. I know you must have talked God into letting you do them just like Moses used to change God’s mind on behalf of the people of Israel. You are a very convincing dude.

This year on March 22 our home was filled with worship. I (and many others – thx DAB family!) prayed for 100 people to join us in singing praises to the King of kings, and the Lord of lords. I am sure you had something to do with this but there were over 130 people there, many of them your peers at Herron High School (we serve a God of abundance!). We reflected on you, your impact on our lives, and the eternal hope we have in a risen Savior, Jesus the Messiah.

We could not keep our voices down (nor our hands!). Just like you (now) we stood and lifted praises to our God:

“So I’ll stand with arms high and heart abandoned

in awe of the One who gave it all…”

“Saviour, He can move the mountains, my God is mighty to save,

He is mighty to save…”

“My heart will sing No other name, Jesus, Jesus…”

“Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders,

let me walk upon the waters, wherever You would call me…”

“You are stronger, You are stronger 
Sin is broken,

You have saved me…”

“It is written, Christ is risen
 Jesus, You are Lord of all…”

“Your word unfailing, Your promise unshaken,

All my hope is in You…”

Hillsong

Today, I celebrate your 16th birthday. You are an indescribable gift to me. When God said that children are a blessing from Him He meant it:

“Children are a heritage (gift) from the Lord, offspring a reward from Him.”

Psalm 127:3

You, Katy, Dawson, and Nate – all “rewards” from an Almighty God. Amazing. Incredible. Beautiful. Holy. I will never see you as anything less than a beautiful gift from our Maker. Why He would “reward” me with you and your siblings I do not understand but I am blessed, and so very thankful.

I am even more thankful for your spiritual birthday. On February 28th, several years ago, you placed your childlike faith into God’s Son, Jesus Christ, for the forgiveness of your sins and your eternal salvation. Only because we worship a risen Savior, I know that you are doing well. I know you are experiencing eternity with Him and all the saints. I read the Scriptures and I see what the final Revelation is like, and I try to imagine you there. Praises to God for His infinite mercy and grace. Worthy is the Lamb Who was slain for us. He is exalted, isn’t He? How you must never cease gazing at His beauty. When I miss you, I worship, so I can join you.

I know others will read the letter I am writing to you on your birthday. May they understand that this “free gift of salvation” comes at a great price. Matthew, I would never have offered you for another. I would have never turned my back on you and not protected you. I would not have compromised your life for a stranger. Yet, our Heavenly Father, your God and my God, sacrificed His glorious Son, in whom He was well pleased, for us all. I have never been more thankful of this fact than when I found you. Only a loving God who paid your debt of sin can save you. He did. He did what I could never do – He provided the ultimate way of escape, a way of protection, a safe harbor. May we not waste a day, an hour, a minute, a second on doubting His love and listening to the lies of the enemy who only comes to steal, kill, and destroy.

As you know, this Psalm has blessed me recently:

Be gracious to me, O God, be gracious to me,

For my soul takes refuge in You;

And in the shadow of Your wings

I will take refuge until destruction passes by.

I will cry to God Most High,

To God who accomplishes all things for me.

He will send from heaven and save me;

He reproaches him who tramples upon me. Selah.

 God will send forth His lovingkindness and His truth.

My soul is among lions;

I must lie among those who breathe forth fire,

Even the sons of men, whose teeth are spears and arrows

And their tongue a sharp sword.

Be exalted above the heavens, O God;

Let Your glory be above all the earth.

They have prepared a net for my steps;

My soul is bowed down;

They dug a pit before me;

They themselves have fallen into the midst of it. Selah.

 My heart is steadfast, O God, my heart is steadfast;

I will sing, yes, I will sing praises!

Awake, my glory!

Awake, harp and lyre!

I will awaken the dawn.

I will give thanks to You, O Lord, among the peoples;

I will sing praises to You among the nations.

For Your lovingkindness is great to the heavens

And Your truth to the clouds.

Be exalted above the heavens, O God;

Let Your glory be above all the earth.

Psalm 57

Matthew, I will be steadfast in the Lord. I know Him and His faithfulness now more than ever. I have no doubts, theological quaking, or blurred focus on the reality of the spiritual aspect of life on planet earth. There is a God, He created us, we rebelled, He saved us, He forever longs to be with us and be ministered to by us, His beloved children. This world is fallen and is ruled by a demonic being who has minions actively lying, destroying, and stealing God’s love from us. The enemy’s days are numbered and he is prowling aggressively around like a roaring lion seeking whom he can devour.

I am so sorry I could not have done more to protect you from him. Even now, I do not know what more I could have done. You were loved to the full in Christ. You were grounded in the Scriptures. You were full of His life and light. The enemy found a weakness and he pounced. Our Heavenly Father, who loves us perfectly, allowed this to happen for His sovereign purposes. I am sure you know now. One year later it is still difficult to understand but we have abundant hope in place of empty fear and sorrow.

One week ago today I watched one of many miracles unfold before my eyes. Since Matthew passed seven months ago, it seems God has revealed Himself in multiple and intimate ways to my family and me. Miracles I may only fully understand but expressions of His love in tangible, practical, yet impossible means. He is constantly reminding us that He is God, He lives in resurrected power, He has redeemed us, and He has Matthew in His loving care.

The photograph above captured a miracle in motion. For background, and as I have written previously, the music and ministry of Hillsong (originally from their church “Down Under”) have been powerful expressions of God’s love and healing to our family. A few months ago, one song in particular became Nate’s favorite, “I Surrender.” If you have never heard or seen this song please take a moment and watch it here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AxF8eRhOzLo. The song, and particularly the singer, became very meaningful to Nate as it tapped into something deep in his soul. As a father to all my precious sons and daughter, and to the best of my flawed ability, I try my hardest to tune into the souls of these precious lives that God has blessed me with so deeply. Nate has expressed often that “I Surrender” is his favorite song (“I have three favorites but ‘I Surrender’ is my favorite”). Watching the video of the song, he clung to every expression of this unknown singer and his yielding to God “everything.”

In August Nate and I decided to attend the first (ever) Hillsong conference in the US to be held in October. Hillsong conferences are 2-3 day worship and teaching events with thousands of people attending in Sydney, Australia (Hillsong’s home church location) and other international venues. This year the conference was held for the first time in the US, in New York City and Los Angeles. Nate I flew to LAX last week to spend a day at Disney, a day at the beach, and two days at “Hillsong 2013 LA.”

Prior to attending the Hillsong conference, I wanted the ministry of Hillsong to know how indebted I feel to their ministry and how much God has used them to bring healing into our lives. So I wrote them in August (“info@Hillsong”), and prayed that somehow my email would slip into the right hands for us to possibly have 5 minutes to personally thank someone, anyone, at Hillsong. Later in August I received a kind, but standard response as Hillsong receives thousands of requests weekly.

In September I wondered about my email request and if God would allow our paths to intersect with leadership at Hillsong. I prayed about it but my prayers seemed a bit conflicted – I did not want to set expectations in my human desires and lose focus on the miraculous work that God was doing in our lives. His presence and power in our healing is real, and not dependent on Hillsong (of course), but He had chosen to use these tender souls to put a new song in our hearts. I did not hear back from Hillsong in September and assumed my request was lost among the thousands.

Surprisingly in October, and three days before the conference, I received an email from Hillsong informing me that Nate and I could meet with an individual who leads Hillsong’s global worship activities. Praise God! My heart leaped with joy to the thought of personally saying “thank you” to someone, anyone, affiliated with worship. Yet, I now felt so inadequate in expressing my thanksgiving, for the healing of my wounds has been as deep as the depth of my wounds in losing Matthew.

How does one say “thank you” for God’s peace? for God’s joy? What words could I say? What words can express the depth of my pain now infiltrated by a deeper filling of hope? How do I express how God has used the worship music of Hillsong to express healing to my family and me – in every note, every voice, and every lyric?

Here I am

Down on my knees again

Surrendering all 

Find me here

Lord as You draw me near

Desperate for You

 Drench my soul

As mercy and grace unfold

I hunger and thirst 

With arms stretched wide

I know You hear my cry

Speak to me now 

I surrender

Hillsong

Last week at the conference, Nate and I experienced wonderful and beautiful worship. We arranged to meet our contact person from Hillsong during the lunch break and we actually met her on the main floor near the stage. I immediately hugged her, and began my “babbling of joy” but to my surprise, she stopped me and led Nate and me through security and up on stage. The security guard actually stopped me from going on stage until I said humbly, “uh, I’m with her,” and our blessed angel from Hillsong responded, “They are with me.”

We ascended the steps to view, directly in front of us, and seemingly waiting for us, the entire team of Hillsong worship leaders (who now have all become “heroes” in the faith to Nate and me, but we didn’t know any of their names at this time). Reflecting now, this scene fulfilled a vision I had in August when I sent my first request, and it was being fulfilled right before my eyes.

Without the slightest hesitation we (first) met Nate’s favorite song leader (third from left in photo above) whose name is, of course :), Matt(hew). I shared with Matt Crocker and the other team members that Nate had lost his 14-year-old brother 7 months ago and attempted to thank these humble men for their obedience to their calling in Christ. I tried to describe what their ministry has meant to us. When there was a pause in the conversation, and to my utter surprise, Matt Crocker shared with Nate and me (while looking at Nate), that he too, when he was 10 years old, lost his older sister to suicide (she was about Matthew’s age).

In the Psalms there are often placements of the word “selah” throughout the Spirit-written songs of the Old Testament. Theologians are not exactly sure what this little word means but it seems to refer to a pause in thought, a reflection, or a meditative moment to absorb the power of God’s awesome work. This moment on stage, when hearing Matt Crocker’s testimony and watching him build up the faith of my 9-year-old boy, was one of those moments where all I could think, or say, was “selah.” I was humbly watching God be a father to my kids, and yes, He can be so trusted, so adequate, so perfect.

Now I knew why God had orchestrated every detail of this event over the past several months. Now I know why Matt sings the song he wrote, “I Surrender”, with such passion. Now I know why Nate was drawn to him. Now I know, that God is intimate with every thought, every millisecond, of our lives, and that nothing is impossible for Him.

Lord my God, I called to You for help,
and You healed me.

You, Lord, brought me up from the realm of the dead;

You spared me from going down to the pit. 

Psalm 30:2-3

One by one, the Hillsong worship leaders came and spoke into Nate’s life, built into his child-like faith, and expressed their hope in an ever-loving God who holds the destiny of us all in His hand. They instilled deep, beautiful hope into my precious son’s heart. God used them to glorify Himself and the Holy Spirit moved in and among our midst on that stage. Incredible. Marvelous. Beautiful. Speechless. Selah.

Our time ended with one of the leaders praying for us and several laid their hands on us. My heart was filled with so much joy that I cannot describe it even now. My heart flooded my eyes with tears of deep joy. It was as if the triune Godhead (Father, Son, and Holy Spirit) were shouting in unison to me from the heavenly realms,

“I have you, John! I have Matthew! I have Sonya! I have Katy! I have Dawson! And I have Nate! I accomplished what you could never do for OUR children. The Son of Man, Jesus, has triumphed over death and has made all of this possible by His sacrifice for Matthew!

There is no uncertainty! You have no need to fear!

Your mourning can now turn into praise!

I am Yahweh, I am Adonai, I am Emmanuel, and I am with you!

I have never left you.

Your God has your back.

I LOVE YOU!”

There is more to share about this miracle “from down under.” Nate and I arrived home on Sunday, October 20th. We were completely filled with joy and had absolutely no sadness in coming home to a family where our precious member is missing. It seems the season of our deep grieving is over. It was such a blessing to tell Sonya and Dawson what God had orchestrated in LA (and we told Katy too) and how He loved us so personally and so wildly.

Now faith is confidence in what we hope for

and assurance about what we do not see.

Hebrews 11:1

Two days later, October 22nd arrived and marked 7 months since Matthew’s passing. These memorial dates are often difficult as we cannot help but re-visit the sorrow in losing Matthew. Tuesday night I was downloading some new Hillsong music to my iPhone and at 9:51 pm, October 22nd, I received the following email from Hillsong:

“Dear John,

You and your family have been on my heart since your very first email came into our office. I am the one who has been on the other side of your emails and while we try to keep our responses generic, in case someone else answers emails while I am away, I feel it necessary to introduce myself to you as your story touched me and I HAD to ensure your requests were heard.

I love that you were able to meet the team and the photo placed on Instagram made me cry as I looked at your little Nate, who appeared to take in all that JD was saying… it’s a photo I continue to look at and marvel at God’s goodness.

My name is (name removed) and I have been a member of Hillsong Church since 1986. I met and married my husband through our church and we have raised our three fabulous kids since birth here. We have sat under this ministry and this worship and know how impacting it has been in our own lives and family.

Your story touched me deeply as we came very close to loosing our beloved daughter, our middle child, in 2011…Her light was dimming. Something was very wrong.  

…I rose to fight like I’ve never fought before against the spiritual oppression that hovered ever so thickly over her life. She had many plans to end her life and each one was thwarted…Like your story, there was no real reason for her decline. No abuse. No bullying. No trauma. She lived in a loving and supportive home. It did not make sense.

But I knew the battle we faced was not a physical one. It was a spiritual one. A full blown attack to take her out. We fought fire with fire. The journey to her full healing was long and arduous at times but I knew God had it under control and like you, the balm from the worship from our church home, kept my soul soothed when times were tough.

We managed to pull her through her black time, with God leading the way. She is now living in Canada participating in a Leadership program, where she is finding out what her call in life is and where God wants her to go and what He wants her to do. She is more in love with Him than ever before and the happiest I’ve ever seen her. It’s hard having her so far away from us but this is where God needs her/wants her to be. He has her covered. He has her back.  

I am very sorry your beautiful boy was ripped from underneath you. I’m sorry he succumbed to the lies and trickery. It reminded me of how close we came to wearing shoes similar to yours. I’m sorry that in 8 minutes the course of a family has been thrown into chaos but through it all I marvel at your grace, your raw revelations that you share in your blog (which COMPLETELY undid me here in the office – I was a wreck for the rest of the day reading the things you missed about your Matthew…), your strength and resolve.

Thank you for sharing those links in your email.

Thank you for sharing your journey with a complete stranger.

Thank you for being real and honest in your emotions.

Please hug your wife for me.

You and your family will continue to be in my prayers. I love that my home church has been able to minister to your family during this time and pray that God continues to soothe when soothing is needed, comfort when comfort is needed, strengthen when strength is needed, cover you when covering is needed. May your family be stronger than ever before and may the scars of your brokenness be marks of His greatness in your lives.

Looking forward to that meeting in eternity or if not, in this life time, and should you ever decide to visit Sydney, Australia, we would be so happy to host you!

Much admiration,

(name removed)”

Needless to say, when I received this I fell to my knees and yielded my heart in complete surrender. Oh, my God and my King…selah

You turned my wailing into dancing;

You removed my sackcloth and clothed me with joy,

that my heart may sing Your praises and not be silent.

Lord my God, I will praise You forever. 

Psalm 30:11-12

Hillsong, with the Waters (aka the “Glorious Ruins”)

See, I am doing a new thing!

Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?

I am making a way in the wilderness

and streams in the wasteland.

Isaiah 43:19

“The Lord your God is in your midst, A victorious warrior.

He will exult over you with joy, He will be quiet in His love,

He will rejoice over you with shouts of joy.”

 Zephaniah 3:17 (NASV)

On August 9, 2013 the Waters family, and a host of precious friends, attended the Hillsong concert in Ft. Wayne, Indiana (Dawson took the photo above). For two hours we experienced the heavenly realms as we worshipped and praised in the presence of the risen King. As Zephaniah says above, we experienced “shouts of joy.”

The music of Hillsong has been used by our loving Lord to bring healing, joy, and hope into our lives these past 4 months. Our oldest son Dawson, who has been listening to Hillsong for the past year, while he studies and does his homework, recently introduced them to my family and me.

“…in unison when the trumpeters and the singers were to make themselves heard with one voice to praise and to glorify the Lord, and when they lifted up their voice accompanied by trumpets and cymbals and instruments of music, and when they praised the Lord saying,

‘He indeed is good for His lovingkindness is everlasting,’

then the house, the house of the Lord, was filled with a cloud…” 

2 Chronicles 5:13

On March 24, Sunday morning and 36 hours after Matthew passed, friends and family gathered in our living room to “love one another.” We read Scripture, we prayed, we wept, and we were silent. We wanted to sing but none of us really knew what to sing or how to start a familiar chorus. Somewhat spontaneously, Dawson gathered a stereo speaker and his iPhone out of his room and set it in the middle of our group of mourners. He pushed a silent button and played “The Stand” by Hillsong. We listened, we stood, and we worshipped. Through our confusion, broken hearts and blurry eyes we worshipped. Through the groaning of the Holy Spirit we praised the One Who gives us life, salvation, hope, and children, and we worshipped.

“I am worn out from my groaning.

All night long I flood my bed with weeping

and drench my couch with tears…

…for the Lord has heard my weeping.

The Lord has heard my cry for mercy;

the Lord accepts my prayer.

 A song of David – Psalm 6:6-9

When our song finished we wanted more. My mind began to race to those in ages past who have been physically abused for the cause of Christ and responded, through their pain, in worship. I have often thought to myself “how do they do that?”  How does one worship when the pain is so great? so deep?

“Saviour, He can move the mountains

My God is mighty to save

He is mighty to save

Forever Author of salvation

He rose and conquered the grave

Jesus conquered the grave”

 Hillsong

Our awkward silence was broken with the next Hillsong selection Dawson played for us. It is called “Mighty To Save” and we fell on our knees and worshipped. I think I can speak for those present that our hearts were spiritually transported to the throne of God where the saints gather and never cease praising the One who victoriously sits on the throne. We joined a throng of angels, elders, creatures, and a great cloud of witnesses to praise the Lamb Who was slain before the foundation of the world. The Heavenly Father, who lost His Son, comforted me, and comforted us, as He joined us in our wailing. It was in the depths of our pain that the depths of God’s love met us. God meets man. Emmanuel. I discovered Gods’ love has no end and it presents itself in stark contrast to the limitations of darkness.

“Where, O death, is your victory? Where, O death, is your sting?”

1 Corinthians 15:55

Hundreds of folks have commented to us in describing the unusual or surprising presence of the Lord at Matthew’s Memorial service on March 26, 2013. Many have also commented on the powerful music that was played and sung at the service. Choosing to sing “The Stand” and “Mighty To Save” at the Memorial were easy selections for us to make. God had revealed Himself powerfully to us through these songs played through that small stereo speaker Dawson placed on the floor that difficult Sunday morning.

It’s awkward to put the Eternal into words yet music seems to fulfill a human expression outside of our limited sensory dimensions.

“You are peace, You are peace

When my fear is crippling

You are true, You are true

Even in my wandering

You are joy, You are joy

You’re the reason that I sing

You are life, You are life,

In You death has lost its sting

Hillsong

For Matthew’s Mt. Sopris Memorial in Colorado, June 26, our song selection was also obvious, as Hillsong’s “Forever Reign” seemed to capture our hearts in worship, with utmost clarity. From the depths of despair to the heights of the mountains God had met us and revealed His love to us in song. He truly does rejoice over us with singing (Zeph. 3:17 NIV).

The Lord is near to the brokenhearted

And saves those who are crushed in spirit. 

Psalm 34:18 (NASB)

With all of this history as a backdrop to last Friday’s Hillsong concert, one could assume that a loving God would meet us again and blanket us with His love. Not only did He meet us, and comfort us, He exalted us to a high place – a very high place.

“The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them;

He delivers them from all their troubles.

The Lord is close to the brokenhearted

and saves those who are crushed in spirit.” 

A song of David – Psalm 34:17-18

From the first note of the evening to the last sound played on an instrument the Lord filled the auditorium with His presence and thousands of people joined in song to the Lamb. It was not religious, weird, or unnatural. In fact, it seemed eternal, holy, and right.

Reflecting on the event later that evening, my eight-year-old son Nate, in describing his whole experience said, “I felt so free!”

Where the Spirit of the Lord is

There is freedom

Where the Spirit of the Lord is

Chains are broken

Eyes are open

Christ is with us 

Hillsong

I had little expectations going into the concert. I assumed the majority of songs would be from Hillsong’s latest recording, “Glorious Ruins” (btw, this seems to be an appropriate description of the Waters family :-)). It was a delight from God, and a smile from Matthew, that two songs sung back-to-back in the first concert hour were “The Stand” and “Mighty To Save”. As these songs played “live”, I was instantly transported back in time to the first Memorial (March 26) and caught up in singing praises with my immediate and extended family, and the thousand or so people who came to Matthew’s Memorial.

Thank You God, You didn’t have to do that. Thank You for the intimate and caring way You love, and so individually. Thank You for being with me in the depths of my despair. Thank You for loving me to a very high place. Thank You for hope. 

Me (again)

The remaining hour of the concert was filled with victorious songs of declaration and truth. Reflecting on the event a few days later, I think this could have been the most fulfilling and joyful two hours of my entire life, and it all seemed to last only a moment. It also made me realize that heaven is going to be an indescribable and everlasting riot of joy! I know Matthew is singing, dancing, drumming, and smiling, endlessly.

Hillsong mentioned they had a final song to play and thanked us for joining them in worship of the living Christ. As they played the intro to the final song, my heart was once again overwhelmed with God’s love. The finale of the entire evening was “Forever Reign”, sung at Matthew’s Mt. Sopris Memorial. Coincidentally, my daughter Katy was returning to her seat and passed right in front of the family and me, who were now in locked arms singing praises at the top of their lungs. She was quickly enveloped in our arms and hands of love from all our friends seemed to touch us as we were overjoyed by God’s presence. Praise. Joy. Hope.

And yes, we worshipped.

“I will sing for joy in God,

explode in praise from deep in my soul!

He dressed me up in a suit of salvation,

He outfitted me in a robe of righteousness,

As a bridegroom who puts on a tuxedo

and a bride a jeweled tiara.

For as the earth bursts with spring wildflowers,

and as a garden cascades with blossoms,

So the Master, God, brings righteousness into full bloom

and puts praise on display before the nations.”

Isaiah 61:10-11 (the Message)

I Miss Matthew

June 3, 2013

What I miss about Matthew, by his father:

• I miss his arms around me when we would affectionately hug one another

• I miss his smile that could light up my life and the lives of anyone around him

• I miss his quick wit and sense of humor

• I miss his utter enthusiasm for life and certain aspects like: snowboarding, rock climbing, driving, shooting, and video games

• I miss his duck tail on the back of his head that would seemingly crawl down his neck as it grew

• I miss giving him haircuts and having great talks while trimming his beautiful golden hair around his ears

• I miss his taste of music

• I miss watching movies with him late at night when other family members would go to bed

• I miss thinking about him and his day at school

• I miss thinking about him and his time on the weekends

• I miss seeing him cranking away on his studies at the dining table

• I miss his complaining about school

• I miss his complaining about almost everything

• I miss seeing him interact with his friends

• I miss seeing him interact with adults

• I miss watching him play with Nate and wrestle with him on the floor

• I miss watching him wrestle and play with Dawson

• I miss his nightly fights with Dawson over the bathroom

• I miss talking to him about cars and sharing Car & Driver magazine with him

• I miss talking to him about design and hearing how his beautiful and creative mind worked

• I miss his sagging pants

• I miss telling him his pants were sagging

• I miss watching him play basketball with Nate and Dawson

• I miss watching him ride his mountain bike

• I miss watching him ride his wave board (or whatever it was called)

• I miss watching him jump on the trampoline

• I miss celebrating his birthday with him

• I miss writing to him in his journal

• I miss praying for him

• I miss praying with him

• I miss talking to him about God’s work in his life

• I miss eating with him

• I miss him at Common Ground Church

• I miss his thoughts and tastes

• I miss jumping on his back and seeing if he could hold me (he could)

• I miss watching his football videos with him

• I miss taking his football videos

• I miss cheering him on at football games

• I miss praying with him every morning before school

• I miss him at Young Life pancake club

• I will miss him at YL camp this summer

• I will miss him at our home in Colorado

• I miss hiking with him

• I miss camping with him

• I miss father-son adventures with him

• I miss Papa-Matthew days

• I miss the long van ride with him (to/from CO)

• I miss him meeting and being with Granddad (my dad)

• I miss him being with his other grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins

• I miss him skipping dessert and pop and exercising discipline to restrain

• I miss doing push-ups with him

• I miss running with him

• I miss biking with him

• I miss his eyes

• I miss his smaller stature and his big heart

• I miss his hair

• I miss his eyebrows

• I miss his chin

• I miss his cheeks

• I miss his ears

• I miss his neck

• I miss the scar in his lip (that stuck out when he smiled)

• I miss seeing him swim

• I miss being with him at the beach in Florida

• I miss being with him at the beach on Lake Michigan

• I miss playing tennis with him

• I miss hearing him complain about playing tennis

• I miss picking out shoes with him

• I will miss his heartfelt notes of love he would write on Father’s day and my birthday

• I miss his words – all of them

• I miss the sound of his voice

• I miss him saying in a British accent “Hello Papa”, “Hello Father” when he would greet me

• I miss his aging, as I never heard his voice change (deeper)

• I miss watching him hit someone twice his size on the football field

• I miss watching him take his helmet off on the sidelines and get a drink of water and thinking about how cool and beautiful he is and how people in the sidelines are falling in love with him at that moment

• I miss watching him pal around with his teammates on the sidelines

• I miss picking him up at football practice and having dinner

• I miss Steve Baker having an influence in his life

• I miss all the men I brought into his life impacting him

• I miss him always sitting on my right at the breakfast table

• I miss holding his hand in prayer

• I miss touching him

• I miss the small of his neck and being close to him when I would whisper something of love in his ear

• I miss watching him fix things

• I miss watching him take apart things

• I miss watching him draw

• I miss seeing his art work

• I miss talking about memories

• I miss making memories

• I miss thinking about coming home to him from work

• I miss seeing him when I entered the house

• I miss him doing his homework at the big dining table

• I miss his tenacity in completing his homework and studies

• I miss him making all “A’s” in his classes (with little encouragement to do so from me as he was self-motivated)

• I miss him saying “I’m going to take a shower”

• I miss him saying “good night”

• I miss saying good night to him and Nate in his room

• I miss the fights he and Nate would get into

• I miss the fights he and Dawson would get into

• I miss the apologies that would happen afterwards

• I miss the love he had and gave for us all

• I miss his love for animals

• I miss his bird Pebbles sitting on his shoulder

• I miss his bird Pebbles nibbling affectionately in his ear (I thought it was kind of gross)

• I miss him talking to Pebbles

• I miss him playing with Sylvie (the dog)

• I miss him detesting Slippers (the cat)

• I miss him writing Bible verses as consequences to poor behavior

• I miss him complaining about writing verses that say “do not complain”

• I miss him spending time with his friends – old and new

• I miss him hanging with Henry Hill and Dawson

• I miss him hanging out with Joshua and Alex Schwefel

• I miss laughing with him

• I miss watching him laugh

• I miss his interests

• I miss teaching him to drive my car

• I miss seeing him drive an electric car (Nissan Leaf from the Fisk’s)

• I missed him on his 15th birthday

• I miss eating pizza with him

• I miss family nights with him

• I miss him complaining about the movie “Pewee Herman’s Big Adventure”

• I miss him knowing and saying all the Tim Hawkins’s comedy routines

• I miss his confidence

• I miss his leadership, especially in challenging situations (e.g., Dawson’s mountain biking accident, Katy’s auto wreck)

• I miss his flight lessons

• I miss taking him to flight lessons

• I miss seeing the joy he had in learning to fly

• I miss seeing him doing his chores and mopping the kitchen

• I miss seeing him dust the tables

• I miss his complaining about doing both

• I miss his humble reflections on his earlier days and how he complained about “stupid” stuff (“I can’t believe I complained about that…”)

• I miss talking about what he wanted to do for his birthday

• I really miss Papa-Matthew days…selah

• I miss worshiping God with Matthew

• I miss talking with him about Jesus and the power of the gospel

• I miss praying with him

• I miss hearing his insights on Scripture

• I miss going on youth group ski trips with him

• I miss going to youth group on Sunday night with him

• I miss seeing him interact with his youth group friends

• I miss watching him interact with his youth group leaders

• I miss seeing girls flirt with him

• I miss him getting embarrassed as I razzed him about flirting girls

• I miss him knowing he was loved and feeling love to the depths of his soul

• I miss him moving in the strength of God’s infinite love

• I miss his adolescent years as he was maturing into a man after God’s own heart

• I miss hearing him play the piano

• I miss him complaining about piano lessons

• I miss his art

• I miss seeing what his mind could create and his hands could follow

• I miss seeing him speak in public

• I miss seeing his confidence and his beautiful articulation of a point

• I miss thinking about how God was going to use him to reach the nations for Christ

• I miss imagining the fruit of his ministry for, in, and through Jesus

• I miss praying for his future ministry

• I miss traveling with him

• I miss riding electric scooters in the mountains of Switzerland with him

• I miss shopping in the Ferrari store in Italy with him

• I miss shopping and eating on the streets of Bilbao, Spain with him

• I miss having him with me as I worked and spent time with my colleagues in Europe

• I miss seeing my colleagues fall in love with him

• I miss making fun of Paul Poteet’s weather forecasts with him

• I miss riding off-road motorcycles in the country with him

• I miss making fun of barefoot rednecks on ATVs with no shirts and cigarettes hanging out of their mouths while cruising at speeds over 50 MPH, with him

• I miss seeing him occasionally bouncing of his motorcycle and crashing

• I miss talking to him about his future career in design, US Air Force, US Marines, or Navy Seals

• I miss handing him mail that has his name on it

• I miss him helping me cut and stack wood

• I miss him jumping on the trampoline with Nate, Dawson, Katy, and Travis

• I miss him playing airsoft games with Dawson and his friends

• I miss his Justin Bieber haircut and him moving his hands through his hair

• I miss him complaining about getting a haircut

• I miss arguing over clothes to wear

• I miss shopping for clothes with him

• I miss him wearing the same clothes all the time

• I miss telling him to put on a shirt with a collar

• I miss teaching him how to tie a tie

• I miss wrestling with him

• I miss him and Katy arguing

• I miss him and Katy being good friends

• I miss him being “best friends” with his brothers and sister

• I miss packing and moving to another state with him

• I miss waiting for him on the slopes as he would put on his snowboard bindings

• I miss him enjoying the snowboard I researched and bought him for a present

• I miss him growing out of his snowboards

• I miss camping with him and the family

• I miss sleeping in a tent with him

• I miss fixing him hot chocolate and warm pancakes on a cold morning in the wilderness

• I miss tickling him

• I miss paying him to wax my car

• I miss inspecting his work and giving him a tip for great work

• I miss…everything about Matthew

My missing of Matthew will never cease as I have nearly 15 years of memories that blessed me beyond words can define or articulate. I look forward to spending eternity with him and catching up on details about the brevity of life on this planet.

I look forward to him greeting me and other saints at the gates of heaven. It will be there that I will see my precious son again and that amazing and dazzling smile. In Christ we will finally be home as better days are always ahead in Him.

Thank you Heavenly Father for providing “a way out” in Christ. This world is a dark place but Jesus has overcome it and He is actively destroying the works of the evil one. In these last days, may your Holy Spirit be unleashed so that all may come to repentance of their sins and place their unbridled faith in the Savior of all mankind.

May each of us never lose hope like those who do not know Christ. May we all invest in lives that will someday greet us in heaven (Luke 16: 9), forever. May we take every thought captive to Christ in the power of the Holy Spirit. May “satan fall like lightning from heaven” in frustration over his powerless, empty, and deceitful lies and traps. May the saints realize their victory in Christ, power over the evil one, and may we all fight the battle we are called to fight until the last day. May You raise up Matthew’s generation to be the final generation.

Thank you for saving me. Thank you for giving, saving, and taking home Matthew.

To Jesus be all the glory, honor, and praise, forever and ever.

“Worthy is the Lamb, who was slain, to receive power and wealth and wisdom and strength and honor and glory and praise! To Him who sits on the throne and to the Lamb be praise and honor and glory and power, for ever and ever! ‘Yes, I am coming quickly.’ Amen. Come, Lord Jesus. The grace of the Lord Jesus be with us all.”

Amen.

John Waters, Matthew’s Papa

April 27, 2013

It has been a month since Matthew’s passing. Speaking on behalf of myself, Sonya, Katy, Dawson, and Nate, we are…and I (John) have no idea what “word” to say in this sentence. We are hurting, hopeful, grieving, but the words of the apostle Paul may capture our hearts best:

If you only look at us, you might well miss the brightness. We carry this precious Message around in the unadorned clay pots of our ordinary lives. That’s to prevent anyone from confusing God’s incomparable power with us. As it is, there’s not much chance of that. You know for yourselves that we’re not much to look at. We’ve been surrounded and battered by troubles, but we’re not demoralized; we’re not sure what to do, but we know that God knows what to do; we’ve been spiritually terrorized, but God hasn’t left our side; we’ve been thrown down, but we haven’t broken. What they (evil) did to Jesus, they do to us—trial and torture, mockery and murder; what Jesus did among them, He does in us—He lives! (I Cor. 4:7-12, The Message)

We are surrounded by loving, sacrificial friends and family. We do not know what we would do without them. There are only a few moments of joy each day but the peace we experience in the presence of these devoted followers of Christ passes understanding. We hug, we cry, we pray, we eat, we cry some more, and sometimes we laugh. We always remember our precious Matthew, the gift he was and is to us, and we rest in the hope of eternal life.

Thank you for every moment you pray for us. Thank you for every utterance. Thank you for every encouraging gift, card, text and email. We never grow tired or weary of your support and acts of lovingkindness. Your prayers matter and they sustain us. Your memories of us and Matthew are everlasting.

Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have One who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet He did not sin. Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. (Hebrews 4:14-16)

John

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Sonya: Two Trails

April 26, 2013

The Lord has been so gracious to show me what I need each day. I am most definitely in a need-more-solitude phase right now. A friend of mine suggested I go outside and have some time alone with the Lord, and she made it happen by taking my youngest son all Tuesday afternoon/evening. It was a big day with Jesus.

I think I’ll refer to it as the day of Two Trails. I chose a trail at a nearby state park, equipped with hiking boots and two sweatshirts to keep the rain off. I didn’t want to drive my “agenda,” so I asked Jesus to lead our conversation. The first trail was all about regret and sorrow, having mainly painful memories of Matthew, and asking the Lord to replace those with true and good memories of Matthew. It started with fear and ended with sadness. I left that trail, suddenly feeling like I needed to turn around and find another one. I had been using the Lord’s Prayer to guide my time, and had made it to the end, feeling like I was done with that part of our conversation.

So I found a different trail.  The birds were singing and the sky lightened up, although rain still fell. It was more open and my heart felt lighter here. I took some photos of my favorite things in all the world—all the woodland plants that come up in early spring: Bloodroot, Dutchman’s Britches, May Apples and Jack-in-the Pulpits. Two deer came into view through my iPhone camera and studied me briefly. The conversation with the Lord that unfolded was comforting, full of hope and specific revelation about each of my kids and my husband. By the end I was completely restored. All that had weighed heavily on my heart was released.

The hike on the first trail lasted only about 30 minutes, while the 2nd hike was almost 2 hours. My friend, Sue, told me last night that although we need to visit painful thoughts and events, the Lord will help us do that gently, a little at a time, but then He leads us to dwell in the fullness of life with Him (“I have come that you might have life and have it to the full”). He led me on a short path of pain, and allowed me to dwell on a long, long path of restoration, revelation and peace. Visiting pain, but dwelling in fullness of life. Even now, it is still God’s will that we dwell in His fullness!

So I hope that you will be encouraged, if you battle thoughts that lead to painful places, to allow the Lord to take you there to visit as needed, but that you willingly follow Him back to dwell in a place of peace and fullness. A place that allows you to rejoice that Matthew is in heaven worshiping his king, that our King Jesus is reigning on a throne of righteousness, and that He rejoices over each of us with singing.

Sonya